Dysfunctional.

I use this word quite frequently nowadays and I don’t like the fact that it’s happening. Why the heck would you want things around you to be dysfunctional?

Moreover, I use dysfunctional to talk about the family on Mum’s side.

On Friday night, I couldn’t sleep, because the Angie wedding thing traumatised my subconscious that much. I’m actually quite shocked by my reaction to this. On friday night, during devotion, we or rather I spent and led the discussion for about 1 hour. And like I said, I’m not hurt or grieving, just that I can’t believe or understand how come people can do such stuff as intentionally excluding cousins off from their weddings. So then, after devotion, ran off to bed looking forward to falling asleep so comfortably and deeply as I’ve been doing for the whole of this physically exhausting and emotionally fulfilling week. Only to find that I couldn’t enter sleep at all. It was a very fitful night. And I had a horrible dream of Daddy being very mean and cutting to me with his words. And I cried in my dream and I woke up from the dream and the crying was real.

So I gave up and went to iron clothes at 6am Saturday.

And Saturday was a bad day, because the gathering for Ahma’s one month anniversary at Mandai crematorium and the crystal jade lunch and the OBS buying. On Mum’s family side, I don’t feel any love, people are just being very ostrichy and also very evil. Literally I feel like thorns are jabbing my affect. Eating me up also. (I just then tried to convince myself that a bad day is not bad, it is meaningful because you learn from it, and apply what you learn to love people more.)

People puzzle me. I’m so puzzled! Why you want to do this?

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